Master of My Domain?
One of the benefits of these online dating sites which I am perusing these days is the forced ritual of self-analysis and self-description. I think I have it (my life) narrowed down to one (?!) basic conundrum: over-coming obstacles, which I’ve only learned how to do, it seems, since moving here to Missouri and attempting to live out some form of “my dream.”
Obstacle #1 – The weight loss.
That achievement opened up a whole new world of possibilities for me, simply because of the self-confidence I gained as a result. Ten years on the back burner, 1-1/2 years to accomplish, once I set my mind to it. That kind of set the stage: if I can do this, I can do anything. Opened up a whole ‘nother can of worms, though, sort of…
Obstacle #2 – Lose the boyfriend.
The anchor, the obstacle to my independence, both financial and otherwise. Mission accomplished. It only took 12 years, or 6, or 3, depending on how you look at it.
Obstacle #3 – Dig myself out of debt (due in large part to Obstacle #2).
Major accomplishment. And my credit score has never been better! Plus, I’ve learned how to be frugal, almost to a fault. If I ever do become wealthy (!), I will never forget these lessons or change my habits. It’s a very satisfying way to live.
Obstacle #4 – The job/career.
Got my head and my ass out of Wal-Mart. OMG, it only took 10 years! But now, my latest career experience, 2-1/2 years and counting...sometimes rewarding, sometimes excruciatingly boring, about half the time tolerable, half the time torturous. Makes for a long workweek – weekly! – ridiculous, when I think about it, which I try not to, but how can I not, every single day when the alarm clock goes off? C’mon, really?
Obstacle #5 – The house.
Fix it up (for the next owner) and sell it? Fix it up (for me) and keep it as a home base? Sell it, rent a zero-maintenance, zero-responsibility apartment, somewhere? Where? The challenges versus the freedoms of being a homeowner versus a renter (a pretty long list, when I think about, which I try not to). Conflict.
Obstacle #6 – Where next?
If I decide to unburden myself of the house, where to then? This is as much a geographical question as a lifestyle question. Desert? Ocean? City? Country? All, obviously, but is that realistic? Why not, says who?? Conflict, yes, not to mention overwhelming from a what-all-it-will-take point of view. A real exercise in patience. The how-to-get-it-done aspect affords me some time in answering the where-to-from-here question, but damn it my patience is running out!
Obstacle #7 – My animals.
No sooner than necessary.
This is, by far, the hardest, and a decision that will be made at the very latest possible moment. My heart breaks every time I consider it. My animals. It’s not only about the responsibility, and the lack of freedom that comes with that responsibility, but it’s the love and compassion I feel for them, the part of me that wants animals to be a part of my life. How can I marry that with travel and autonomy? Money. A hired hand. Yeah, I can’t even find a handyman; who could I possibly trust with my babies? People with children get their second chance with the empty-nest-syndrome. I can’t send my animals off to college, although every time I find one of them a home, that’s exactly what I pretend I’m doing. The other alternative is to wait for them to die. Not a happy alternative, to say the least!
Obstacle #8 – Coupling.
Find a partner to help me, and share with me, all of these decisions. That’s all I ever wanted in the first place, for as long as I can remember.