Well, damn it, Janet. Here we go again.
On December 30, 2014, five days before our three-month “anniversary,” my Detroit rock-star cyber-boyfriend, Michael, broke up with me via e-mail. Something about a rift in his universe and an “uncomfortable inevitably on his horizon” that makes him “no longer able to entertain the possibility of a relationship.”
That’s the short version of the story. The long version is much more difficult to put into words. Suffice to say, I experienced a rift in my own universe. In the weeks leading up to the climax, while dealing with cleaning, packing, purging, painting, reminiscing and letting go, meeting with auctioneers, real estate agents, furniture buyers and animal adopters, while planning for and conducting a moving sale -- all while hanging onto Michael and my future in Detroit as my lifeline -- I found myself just barely hanging onto reality. Many days, I felt downright schizophrenic, my mind and my psyche splitting into two, while straddling a chasm between my past and my future, with the present existing only as a tightrope on which I found myself barely able to balance.
Looking back over the past several weeks, there are days and events that I barely remember, or which seem as if I dreamed them or watched them from outside my own body. I have cried more in the past two months than I have in the past ten years. I have screamed until I am hoarse. I have felt anger and frustration and hopelessness. I have stomped my feet until my house shook, and I have resisted the temptation to throw things through the windows.
But now I am back on terra firma (some days more firm than others). I have accepted my circumstances and am actively attempting to find a lesson learned. Time is still standing still and patience is an hourly struggle, but I have made it through the fog, and am once again seeking the light at the end of the tunnel.
I have loved and lost…again. But I knew full well that I was doing this for ME ... and now it's back to me, just me.
And I am alive, more alive than I’ve been in so very long. My journey continues, my compass is re-pointed. To New Mexico. For now. Who can possibly know what tomorrow will bring?
You know I will let you know.