As I prepare for the next chapter of my life, as I purge and let go of my past, lightening my burden to make myself as mobile as possible, I’ve also been reflecting.
I was debating whether or not to keep my old writing journals, and now that the pace of my life has slowed to a near-complete stop, and since it is a new year and a good time for introspection and evaluation, I decided to read through some of them. I’m not sure if I’ve learned anything new about myself, but I did discover that, at my very core, all I’ve ever wanted is to be loved (and skinny). Over the course of the past four decades (from my mid-teens till now), I have also learned that first I must learn to love myself, a concept I struggle with to this day, although my outer confidence continues to provide an adequate façade to the outside world, as well as permitting me to cope with – and sometimes even excel in – my “real” world.
I will keep the journals.
It’s also quite fascinating to discover how apropos much of my past writing is to my current situation and mindset. These two poems could have been written – verbatim – in the past three months, instead of at ages 16 and 20, respectively. I find that intriguing and disturbing at the same time…
(Originally penned on 11-12-74):
I am the great survivor.
I wander down the road.
I’ve made it through the worst part,
I’ve got to move my load.
Far on down the highway
My journey carries me.
I’ve made it through the worst part,
I now begin to see.
The light is shining in my eyes.
I feel a gentle breeze.
I’ve made it through the worst part,
I now can feel at ease.
The strength is overwhelming me…
He’s met me on my way.
The road we walk is only ours
And we have every day.
We are the great survivors.
We wander down the road.
We’ve made it through the worst part,
There are two to move the load.
(Originally penned on 10-15-78):
Dancing on the edge of infinity
And stretching my imagination just a bit,
I find
I think
I can
Probably conquer the world.
Please don’t tell me
It won’t be easy.
I know.
Please don’t stand in my way.
It will be easier.
Just wish me luck.
Say good-bye.
Carry on with your life
While I experience mine -
For the first time, for infinity.
And I’ll find myself
Someone to dance with me.