Tuesday, March 05, 2019
A Eulogy of Sorts
 
Irony is twisting my brain as I wander in circles around my apartment. There is wine in my hand and pain in my heart.
 
I am packing for Albuquerque. Again. This time, a round trip flight to say goodbye to my Mom.
 
I don’t write much anymore but I am still, at heart, a writer. These are the times that call for me to write. Right?
 
The sadness I feel is indescribable, as it must be for anyone who must say goodbye to a loved one. I’ve considered myself blessed for a long time at not having to experience a major loss. And yet, here I am.
 
The good news is I made it back to Wisconsin, eventually, to spend a good amount of time with my Mom. She hasn’t really been the Mom I wanted to remember, but she is my Mom. I saw her laugh, but not often enough. We played cards and shared stories when she felt like talking. I wrote her sticker-embellished letters, but the most recent ones she either didn’t answer or didn’t remember receiving.
 
We went shopping a few times. She loved to buy me things. I occasionally pretended to share ailments with her, such as sore muscles or bad gas or exhaustion. Ridiculously, when I stopped smoking, we lost a time to share, a thing in common. We took a few trips down memory lane and I sometimes saw a light in her eyes. I hope she saw one in mine. I hope, at some level, she was proud of me and happy for me.
 
I think my Mom was sad for a long time, and I’ve been sad for a long time. We had that in common, among other things. Loneliness, even when surrounded by others. I rarely saw joy in her face, especially since Marshall died, and I very rarely feel joy in my own heart. Not now, not for a long time. Joy is not a requirement of life, but it sure adds to its quality.
 
Where do we find joy? In ourselves, I've been told. In others, in community. In activities, keeping busy. Sharing experiences and memories. My joyful memories are shrouded in gray, clouded by distance and eroded by time, caught in the shadow of twilight, some of them darkened in secrecy. Even the new ones seem to fade almost instantly into a why-does-it-matter place of ozone.
 
My Mom is dying. And I’m not ready.
 
I moved to Wisconsin to be near her. She went to Albuquerque on a vacation. If I had moved to Albuquerque, I’d be with her now. She is in New Mexico and I am in Wisconsin. And now I have to go and say good-bye.
 
I am not ready.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Friday, September 28, 2018
 
My New Normal
 
My alarm (Alexa) goes off at  5:45 a.m. I tell Alexa to snooze (usually twice, although I’ve been awake for I-don’t-know-how-long [because my “real” alarm clock is tucked under a shelf on the bedside table where I can’t see it except in an “emergency”  {I wonder what an alarm-clock-emergency might look like?} and so that the ambient light doesn’t disrupt my as-yet-insufficient and inefficient sleep rhythm).
 
I am out of bed by 6:05. The coffee is brewed (because I’ve finally come full-circle into the 21st century and have a timer program on my coffee pot) (the timer which I used to mess up all the time when I had those crazy variable work start times way-back-when-last-week and for the past 16 months).
 
I then feed the cats so they will leave me alone while I do my morning “business” in the bathroom. Pour my coffee. Close the windows that have been open all night (Lord, I love fall sleeping weather!) and go into the spare bedroom, unroll my yoga mat, and, YES, do yoga. Right now, it’s my own homemade routine, just good, long stretches, deep breathing, and every-other-day isometric muscle routines (crunches, fire-hydrants, downward dog, plank [holding currently at about 45 seconds, working towards anything better than the day before). My routine takes about 30 minutes, and already I cannot imagine any other way to start the day. It even allows for cat-bonding-time: they are on the mat before I am!
 
After my workout, I still have nearly an hour before I need to leave for work. I have time for small projects: cleaning up some dishes, rearranging furniture or reorganizing a cupboard, mopping the floor, cleaning the litter box, taking a Spanish lesson. I do this stuff however the mood strikes. My plan evolves while I am in my quiet place, on the floor with my cats. A to-do list might evolve, or maybe a quick check of my Facebook (always last on the list and only if I have extra time, which this week happened…never).
 
Meanwhile, I am also getting dressed (putting together outfits and wearing clothes that have been collecting dust for years!), putting on makeup (wow, I never used to take the time for that -- my eyes really POP! {behind my fashionable glasses [bought online]} with a bit of mascara and -- with summer being over, a little blush doesn’t hurt! I pack my own lunch and snacks (which I can eat at my DESK! and during my TWO breaks and ACTUAL 30-minute lunch break). I make my bed. I clean the kitchen. I have all kinds of time, and it’s a day-changer!
 
Work starts at 8:00 a.m., so I'm on my way by 7:42, 7:43 at the latest. Down 20 steps from my upper flat and out the door for the .6 mile walk to work (to the front of the building, (10 minutes exactly unless I stop to chat with a neighbor who's walking her dog), then down the entire length of the building (another .1 mile), then up 2.5 flights of stairs to my training room.
 
My work day begins with computer training for 2.5 hours (more on that in another blog, no doubt; can you stand the suspense?!) and then a 15-minute break, which takes me down 3 flights of stairs to the FULL CAFETERIA to see what’s on the breakfast and/or lunch menu, which I have not yet taken advantage of even though it’s all very healthy offerings (I work for a healthcare company now!). Then back up 3 flights of stairs, and back to work till lunch. Back down the stairs to the (very comfy and spacious) cafeteria, eat my homemade lunch, walk the TRACK for 15 minutes (which takes me right by the IN-HOUSE WORKOUT FACILITY), back up 3 flights of stairs and back to work till my afternoon break, down the stairs, around the track, up the stairs, back to work, down the stairs, and then the walk home .7 miles and up my own stairs, home at last.
 
And feeling fantastic! I don’t have to go to the gym because I’ve worked out pretty much all day (sort of) and I actually feel like doing other stuff, like more house cleaning or whatever (so many things on my want-to-do-now-that-I-feel-good list) and then I eat a light dinner and watch TV, no guilt. (I'm still having trouble staying awake after 8:00 p.m. [WTF!] but that's going to change, too, I hope!)
 
It’s a game changer. It’s a life changer. I did the math. In addition to my morning workout, I am walking 1.5 miles a day and doing the equivalent (per Google) of 13 flights of stairs a day. This weekend will include at least one good, long bike ride and maybe even a visit to the YMCA. I won’t have to worry about some stupid nonsense functional injury (like pulling a muscle while bending over to pick something up off the floor), because I am very nearly limber and getting limber-er.
 
In my small group of fellow trainees, I am the only non-smoker, and apparently the only person not currently taking prescription drugs for some sort of ailment. I’m the only one who packs a lunch and the only one who walks to work and the only one who takes the stairs. And I am the oldest person in the group. Go figure. But there are 699 (!) other people working in my building and I’m sure I’ll find a like-minded person in there somewhere. Otherwise, I’m quite content to work my own mission.
 
I will admit, it’s only week one, and I certainly hope to keep up with my new-found take-care-of-me attitude, but it’s the biggest personal change/challenge I’ve experienced/undertaken in a very, very long time, much needed and way, way overdue. Call it my early New Year’s Resolution. Call it the New Me.

Version number: v.infinity.I.plan.to.live.forever/the.bestme.me.
 
Attitude is everything, don’t you think?
 
 
 
 

This past weekend I spent a too-short weekend with my sister, up north, camping, biking, swimming, kayaking, dinnering, card-playing, dog-romping and sister-ing. A perfect bittersweet end to summer.
 
Today I got off work at noon. It’s weird now, how I’m thinking that I will miss having random days and times off when I start my 9-to-5 desk job this coming Monday. It’s been so long since I’ve been a member of a “normal” work force. Office job. Not retail. We’ll see how that goes.
 
Anyway it’s 2:00 p.m. now. I need a project or I will wine. It’s 5:00 somewhere.
 
I have a room full of boxes. Dreaded boxes. Boxes filled with memories, but not the right boxes, because I gave Tommy the wrong box numbers, or they didn’t fit in his car. I find it scary sometimes how a simple detail like a box number (or such things as such) can sometimes derail my entire mental trajectory.
 
I need a project, a diversion.  I persevere. I work my Spanish lessons, I empty the garbage and I have imaginary conversations with the man I want to fall in love with.
 
 I purge yet again. I dig through the crap and purge and toss and donate (ok, maybe I save some stuff for a maybe-tomorrow).
 
 And I make my way to the magic box.
 
Art supplies. Macrame supplies. Hoops, beads, yarn. Brushes, paints, easels and canvas. Pencils and notebooks, many of them so very recently acquired with a wish and a hope and a plan. And my own paintings from my art school days.
 
They all (all of them!) go into a drawer from yesterday to look at tomorrow. Another tomorrow.
 
And then I find a baggie full of refrigerator magnets. And for a moment, I find my happy place.
 
So very long ago, I started collecting these symbols of some fantasy-fantastic-could-I-really-ever-desire in every state I visited. I was somewhat surprised at how many I had actually acquired, but I was more disappointed in how many more are missing. And just for the record (full transparency), there were a few that were gifts from friends (who missed me while traveling in states [and one or two countries] without me).
 
So, now, this evening, I arrange them, very neatly and geographically on my refrigerator.
 
A  virtual and geographical map of my past and my future.
 
With my future in the very front of my mind.
And the past being sipped, savored, and then forgotten, in a glass of wine.
 
 

Today I scratched an itch that has been bugging me for years. It required that I embark on a project of epic proportions which only a rainy day (6th one in a row if I’m counting correctly) could accommodate.
 
I cleaned up my computer’s hard drives. All four of them. Every single hard drive that was saved from fire, flood, crash-and-die and – truth be told – cat pee. Every hard drive that somehow survived long enough to be reinstalled on top of a “new” hard drive in a “new” computer, every one of them used, rebuilt, re-purposed, bought-on-the-cheap in a moment of desperation (so many moments of desperation), and then left to reside side-by-side in a not-quite-integrated neighborhood of semi-cooperation, in one house, one maze, no GPS available.
 
(FYI, I still have my very first hard drive, from my very first computer! How many of you can say the same? [And would you even dare admit?]
 
I’m quite certain there is an easier way to do this, some kind of synchronization. My computer guy back in Missouri offered to do it free of charge the very last time I visited him when my last hard drive took a dive. But I was so afraid he would lose something…something important…so important! So I said, “Thanks, but no thanks. I would love that kind of project. It will be fun!”
 
(Speaking of synchronization, I could also use some mental synchronization, but I’m not sure I trust a shrink to know what to save and what to toss either!)
 
Anyway, at one point, I was convinced it would require a whiteboard, or a wall-sized bulletin board with hand-drawn maps and arrows and computer-family trees. Maybe I could turn it into a weird work of art.
 
Well, it only took me a couple of years, it only required a pen and half of a spiral notebook (so far) and it has been kind of fun and extremely satisfying (so far), like the ultimate spring-cleaning project. But the nitty-gritty still awaits: hoping I didn’t delete anything crucial (like a program or a .exe file, right?!), not to mention re-visiting all of the (as-yet-unopened) files that I deemed worthy of saving: my life in review…
 
…Blogs, photographs, letters, writing projects, freelance projects, art projects, nutrition school research projects. (An awful lot of projects, unfinished...wait...no...in progress!)
 
Also buried in the Netherlands of my old, boxy computer are some Neanderthal, barely-functioning software programs, programs that these days require a monthly subscription ($$$) and, no doubt, a modern operating system. I’m still running Windows XP, if you can believe it. And, gee, there’s the cloud for storage now, right?
 
I’m really expecting (oh, that word!) that this will be one of my last looks back into my past (at least until I get my hands on my journals once again, written from the age of 14 [!!??] and currently residing on a pallet in New Mexico). I am making a supreme effort at re-purposing the useful and tossing out the crap. Replicating rather than duplicating. (I think there might be a fine-line-difference between the two. Or maybe they’re the same.)
 
But I can’t be the same, and I can’t be different.
 
I can’t quite wrap my head around all of it, but one thing I know for sure is that quite soon I will be able to afford (and hopefully actually desire and make use of) some new software (for both my head and my computer!)…
 
…when I start my new job (career?) on September 24.
 
Stay tuned.

An unusual 2-1/2 days off…
Projects include:

• Put together a shelf unit I bought on a FB Yard Sale two weeks ago, still only partially assembled, and plopped down exactly where I dropped it, in the middle of the hallway right in my way, every day. On that day, I also went three hours out of my way to buy a bicycle for $20 which I could not test drive because both tires were flat. (*Long story, kept short, you’re welcome!)
• Post previously-referenced bicycle on FB Yard Sale for $25, after I remove the rack that’s worth $20 all by itself (and after my sister so kindly fixed the flat tire).
  

• Unpack many particular previously-packed-in-Missouri boxes, brought to me from New Mexico by Tommy and Jody on their road trip to Wisconsin this summer. These boxes of mine I previously sent from Missouri to New Mexico  (“THEY MUST GO!”) on a side trip to wait for me until I arrived in New Mexico while I took a side trip to Wisconsin, which turned into apparent-permanence.

When I requested retrieval of some-certain boxes from New Mexico on my brother’s visit home, I selected particular boxes from a half-assed, hastily-scribbled , last-minute packing list made on a moving day over a year ago and, more recently, from a photograph of the pallet of my stuff that eventually ended up in New Mexico. I had every reason to believe, and expect (!) that one day I would be reunited with my stuff. I thought reuniting with my stuff was essential, and deserved, and necessary, and important.
I was expecting…(there’s that word that I dislike so much [and expect so much from… “expect”!)…art supplies, home décor, memorabilia…my Dad’s ashes…, you know, important, meaningful stuff.
Instead, after days (weeks, months) of anticipation, the partial, minute quantity of stuff that made its way back to me from New Mexico to Wisconsin was, I found,…OMG, clothes. Clothes from the Missouri-me, completely irrelevant to my life now, another supposedly brand-new story. I’m not even sure I can bring myself to go through them. I think maybe I should just shut my eyes and throw them away without further investigation.
 
All of the boxes.
Boxes of stuff.
All of it.
 
Why does that feel like a near-tragedy?
Shouldn’t I just maybe toss all of it?
Everything?
 
What am I holding on to? What am I waiting for?
 
Burn the pallet in New Mexico?
Which = my life in Missouri which = my life before now?
Isn’t that the best way to a fresh start?
The only way?
Bonfire.
 
Is that only three things on my list, really?
 
Two and a half days. No problem.

Sunday, August 19, 2018
 
EXERCISING MY MUSCLES
 
I can’t deal with an intro, so we’ll just launch right into it…
 
BRAIN MUSCLE
I am currently taking at least 6 courses online. Unofficial, un-degreed learning “opportunities.” New things, new skills, new neuron-firings. Because I want to, because sometimes I think my brain is dying faster than my body.
Or because I need to appear fresh and new and exciting to a prospective new employer.
Or both.
 
CAREER MUSCLE
On my next interview (on Wednesday 8/22) (10th-ish over the past few months), I will need to convince my prospective employer that I am not retiring anytime soon (ageism?).  I know this to be a theory, because contrary to a popular previous generation-defined definition, I am NOT desirous of retirement. I don’t have kids, my empty nest is as empty as it always was, and I’m ready to do what I’ve always been ready to do, which is to satisfy my muscles, see below.) P.S. I love my job, but the pay sucks, and there is no room to advance. I need to advance…I need to march forward. And my feet freaking hurt, so I cannot march.
 
MIND MUSCLE
I do not, do not, need a shrink. Or do I? Over-thoughtfulness is not a weakness, right? I just need a sounding board. For a minute. Just for a minute, or a session, or two. No more than that, because I’m older and wiser and SHOULD have it all figured out by now.  (See also “Body Muscle,” below, because that works every time. Exercise my body, and my mind will respond in kind. I know this. I have verifiable, scientific proof with my own body. That should be all I need…)
 
BODY MUSCLE
Self-explanatory (see previous statement, above). If you’re my age, you get it. If you’re younger, then you need to invite me into your camp, and remind me (frequently, because you’re  young and vibrant and you still believe) how good it feels to be active and vibrant. Because I remember, and so do my muscles, every time I use them. And I do, regularly. I will not die because of physical decline. But I could do better.  (See above, and repeat.)
LOVE MUSCLE
(a/k/a) the Heart. Wow. That’s a big one. Not sure where to go with that.
I am back with my family now, right where I need to be and right where I have been welcomed with open arms: broken, wounded, and in need of a REALLY BIG HUG. I have been accepted, and I am home..,
But, there’s this space…a void...sometimes a big, black hole…a scary place, I have trust issues (go figure)…
 I want (need; [I hate the word “need”] /could use) a companion. I have a companion in mind, but I am legally bound not to act. No, it’s not my cousin.  J
That being said, I’m pretty sure you don’t want to know, or maybe you already do, depending on your status in my life. You know who you are.
 I’ve already said too much, and now I have to kill you. Watch your back.
Just invite me to a concert, buy me some wine, take me out on a date, and see if you can make me talk.
 
Speaking of concerts, this is…
…THE BIG ONE…
 
 THE CREATIVE MUSCLE
Art, photography, writing, music.
I have a freaking degree and I’m a cashier at Pick and Save.
Did you know I played the guitar? I used to sing? I won a medal. I played drums and tambourine. I danced, nearly professionally. I’m considering joining the local theater group, encouraged (!) by a young cashier-actor-wanna-be who makes it all seem brand-new-possible. He says I should join. They need nuns for “Sister Act.” Is it necessary for me to identify with my role? I should probably watch the move and then decide. Or not. Really, I should just jump in. Seriously. Nothing to lose. Right? Of course you’re going to say, “right.”
Why can’t I?
 
ANIMAL MUSCLE
This is at the end of my list, but I think it should be closer to the top. I really think this is a place I should explore, because it’s sort of a comfortable place, a relatively safe place that I know. But, more times than not, it involves heart break, and I think my heart is not strong enough.
 
But, maybe this could be a place
some place
 where all of my muscles to come together into one.
Crap (f-word preferred)
 I don’t know
and
I’m afraid to look.
 
BODY, HEART, SOUL & MIND
All the same.
All one.
The place.
A hard place for me to consider, everything considered.
There is a lot to consider.
 

I need an app
that teaches me how to nap
after running my laps
from sunup till down.

I need an app
that makes me give a crap
about my lack of energy after I'm done.

I need an app
that bridges the gap
between work time and fun.

I need an app
that makes me feel
as if I've actually won

the battle between work, life and love
on a Saturday when a Friday is none
And tomorrow
or maybe today
is the only one.

I probably need a nap.
Unless there's an app for that.

06.19.17 Monday
The problem is…
by the time I have my thoughts to write
my time to free think
and think free
by the time I have written the first draft
in my mind in my head no paper to be found
my time to look at the moon…
from the time I had my  idea
to the time to fire up my computer
I no longer know
and my mind is elsewhere
and the moon is gone.

05.21.17
The Week in Review
Monday 5.15.17
Twelve solid hours on the computer, reinvigorating the job hunt. I still haven’t Googled “job boards” to see if they work, but I’m feeling productive. And it reminds me of all the skills I have accumulated over my many years (since the age of 12) in the workforce. There are “Hiring Events” on the horizon, later in the week. I’m ready.
 
Tuesday, 5.16.17
Maybe a day at the YMCA. I don’t remember. I even asked Sheila. She doesn’t remember either. Busy lives, busy minds. Yea.
 
Wednesday, 5.17.17
I think I drank wine today. I think I felt lost, at sea without an anchor. I think I made pizza late at night. We’ll call it throw-back Wednesday. I felt pitiful and told my sister that I should have deserved a welcome home party.
 
Thursday, 5.18.17
I really didn’t want to go to the YMCA, but I did. I really do enjoy taking care of myself, but I’m still having to work at it. It’s a good job to work at.
 
Also on the docket: a FREE (who doesn’t love free?) music concert at the Grand Theatre - with a full cash bar - following dinner and drinks at Malarkey’s in downtown Wausau. How can I not love date-night with my sister?!?! It was interesting watching the various age groups who responded in so many various ways to a music scene which varied in so many ways to the one I left behind (in so many various ways). The theatre was beautiful, reminding me of a time spent long ago having cultural experiences in downtown Milwaukee in one of my hey-days. I had several hey-days. I am having a hey-day.
 
Friday, 5.19.17
I’m not positive, but I think I had another wine day. (I have no real schedule.) But in contrast to Wednesday’s wine day, today I felt completely at home. My transition is becoming more familiar and comfortable. And my sister spoiled the surprise - that I practically begged for - and informed me that there would, in fact, be a welcome home party for me at Mary’s house in Sussex next weekend (Saturday, May 27, you are invited!) (so as not to infringe on Jody’s special day on June 10). (I really just need a moment where the spotlight is shining on me, just one single moment, and then I think I will be able to move on to…somewhere.)
 
Saturday, 5.20.17
It’s “Hiring Event” day. Roundy’s/Pick & Save and also Office Max/Office Depot. If there’s time, I will also be checking out All Star Nutrition. though my credentials for that one may be a little rusty. Also on my to-go-to list (for shopping, but wait maybe I could get a job there too) is Michaels, JoAnn Fabrics, Hobby Lobby, and then, oh wait, are you serious…Barnes & Noble? God, I love the city! (I still haven’t mentioned my experience at Fleet Farm, or Shopko, or… OMG, I am feeling a little verklempt…) (I would like to mention my newly-renewed artist soul, which explains the inordinate amount of time and money spent at the above-referenced stores, not to mention the inordinate amount of time first spent perusing the internet for free resources. Brick and Mortar is not going away in my lifetime, if I have anything to say about it. I need to touch, see, feel and breathe. Who among my readers doesn’t get their mojo on when they walk into a bookstore? I want to LIVE there, seriously.)

And then after the hiring event (where I was offered a job, more on that later...), Sheila and I drove to Rhinelander to a natural food store. Rhinelander has memories for me, as does Tomahawk (which might have been a side trip today had it not been for the [insane] weather), as does Rib Mountain which is in my new back yard. (Anybody remember a ski-trip in high school?) On the way home, I had my first-ever up-close sighting of a bald eagle. And to cap off the day, we went out to eat at the Olive Garden (man, I love noodles and Alfredo sauce and bread sticks and Parmesan cheese, but this is so-not going to work for my carb-cleanse!) and then we came home and watched catch-up episodes of the “Gilmore Girls.”

Sunday, 6.21.17
I think that’s where I need to end. I am overwhelmed and overjoyed and over-stimulated and over the moon. Why did I wait so long to take back my life?

I felt ashamed and failed for a very long time. And I felt completely immobilized. I felt wounded and broken and unworthy. But, ultimately, I was able to fall into the safety net of my family’s arms, which they opened up to me, and now the past matters no more.

I am here. And I am free for the first time in a long time and for so very long to come, which means I can finally see a future.

Welcome home and happy travels.

05.17.17
Wausau, WI
What Happened with the House
It sold.
I had a weird dream the other night that the buyer opened up a full-fledged bar in my barn and hooked into my house electrical system before the actual closing. Then the other day, my neighbor posted a Mother’s Day photo and I could see my house in the background. I thought about asking them about their new neighbor and ask them to send me updated photos, but then I asked myself, “Why?”
 
What’s Up With the Weather?
Wausau – and Missouri (I’ve noted) - and Wisconsin in general - have had an extreme amount of rain and record-low temperatures. My sister got some water in her basement due to the rising water table, but thankfully that has diminished for now since all my “overage” is stored down there. It’s also where my cats are relegated most times for multiple reasons, another story to be told. (My male is getting his balls chopped off tomorrow, perhaps bringing an element of peace to the household…we’ll see, we’ll hope.) But Spring has arrived, and we have lilacs and rhubarb and lilies and other yet-undiscovered greenness unfolding daily. My sister has “hired” me to be her landscaper with an as-yet undisclosed budget. Fun times ahead…planting with someone else’s money.
 
Fitness/Wellness
I joined the YMCA and have been working out consistently every other day for 1½ hours in addition to regular dog walks and bike rides. I’m pretty sure I will win the Active Older Adults contest for a $25 gift certificate at a local swanky restaurant, but the Y people have told me if I win I have to bake a cake. Okay, I can do that, though I will probably need to buy bakeware. However it’s going, I am definitely feeling more balanced. (And by the way, I am active, and I am an adult, but I refuse to agree with their definition of older. Damn those age requirements. I am not going out with a fight.) (Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris, hear my call! And the Stones and Seger, and whoever is still out there making it happen, damn it!) (I bought sexy dancing shoes today. And I will wear them, out on a dance floor, some day. And pray I don’t break an ankle, but maybe it would be worth it!)
 
Food and Drink
Breakfast every day. Sometimes lunch, sometimes dinner, one or the other, very rarely both. I could talk all day about food, cooking, meal planning, shopping, and actually eating, but who really cares other than me? Except I get really jealous of “those people” who post on Facebook all of their wonderful restaurant experiences. Maybe I should get a job at a restaurant and then I will come to hate food…or at least stop obsessing about it in all of its glory. Yeah, right.
 
Fashion/Shopping
Well, that (shopping) feels like all I’m doing lately and, truth be told, I’m not complaining. I am finally discovering a world outside of Walmart, outside of Small Town, USA, and frankly I am enjoying every minute of it. But you know what? It costs money.

(Speaking of) Career (a/k/a job hunting, a/k/a $$$$$)
This past Monday I spent 12 solid hours planted in my desk chair and glued to my computer screen filling out online applications, most of them via Job Boards. At the end of the day, I wanted to Google “job boards” and see if they actually work. And then I got a phone call. I’ll let you know how it goes. One thing is for sure…I need to find a way to support my shopping habit!
 
Self-Definition/Discovery
Who Am I? A work in progress. Discovery on the horizon. Enjoying the journey. If I were to allow myself to express an idea of “fantasy” (as in: unbelievable), I would say that I am awaiting an explosion, an eruption, an ultimate expression of some kind. And I’m certain…it is… right…over…there…
 
Feel free to share your thoughts, your input, your experience, your advice, your stories.
 
Feel free to share.
 
I do hope you feel like sticking around to see how it all turns out.