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Elusive Enlightenment

5/27/2015

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Wednesday 5.27.15
Elusive Enlightenment


This past weekend, the enlightenment I alluded to eluded me.

Yet, in spite of the perpetual rain, I did enjoy some of the best food ever. Multiple cookouts, a shared effort by Scott and I (together 6 months now, btw, another situation in need of figuring out sometime in my foggy future). Burgers, ribs, potatoes and corn on the cob. The best bacon cheeseburgers (even the bacon got cooked on the grill). The best potatoes ever (skin-on, sliced, dotted with butter and olive oil, sprinkled with salt & freshly ground pepper, wrapped in foil). The best ribs ever, slathered with my (first time) homemade barbeque sauce, yummo. Corn on the cob, the best ever, soaked in water, cooked in their leaves, sweet and perfect. There was even a purchase made from an ice cream truck drive-by. (Yes, I’ve put on a few pounds, but mostly it was [semi-] healthy food!)

And a weekend long Monopoly game that never quite got finished. And just enough work to justify all the fun.

Four days of pure relaxation and enjoyment, begging the question, yet again, why am I leaving? There is actually more than one question (there are many), and all of the answers are there – right there – just under the surface of my temporary (and incomplete) contentment.

It’s a glass-smooth surface, with no potholes, no jagged edges. (Well, maybe a few.)

And it’s a level surface. No wild tipping back and forth, slipping and sliding to maintain my footing. (Well, maybe once in awhile.)

There is no mountain-sized crisis waiting around the corner to ambush me. (Well, maybe one or two, but my foundation is stronger now.)

I am – while I can – enjoying my peace, my comfort, my
balance-bordering-on-boredom. If it gets too easy, if I become too complacent, I know just how to stir things up.


And I will. (If God doesn’t get around to it first.)

P.S. For those of you who prefer actual details over vague, artsy-word-stuff:

·         The house continues to be shown, but I’ve gotten zero feedback from the realtor, even after all the improvements that have been made. I could pressure them to be more proactive but, like I said above, peace and contentment, for now.

·         My mortgage company also continues to drag their feet, calling me every 2 or 3 weeks to tell me nothing has happened. Next appointment, next Tuesday. I could pressure them, but, well, see the point above.

·         My job. I still have one. My boss is a grumpy, old sour-puss. He is 2 years older than me, but I am 20 years younger than him. He brings me down daily but it most certainly could be worse. I’ve learned to live buoyantly. Floating is fantastic compared to crawling, and singing is so much better than screaming.

·         I will be in Wisconsin for the wedding rehearsal in June and I will be in Albuquerque for the wedding-of-the-century in September. I have a dress, but not an address. Yet.

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May 21st, 2015

5/21/2015

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Thursday, 5.21.15
The Dark and the Light
Red Nose Day and Me.

I made a charitable donation today.
That was impossible,
Not so long ago.

I am
Seeing the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.
Finding the meaning
The happiness
The joy
The simple life I’ve longed for
For so long.

I can give now.
In many ways.
That was impossible
Not so long ago.

Still
I am trying to explain
To everyone who asks
Daily
Why I’m walking away
From this simple life
That I’ve longed for
it seems, forever
now that I’ve found it.

No sense.

My eyes can rest.
My to-do list has lost its urgency.
I am (forever) thankful.
I have love,
Life freedom
Financial freedom
Creative freedom.
Emotional
Spiritual
Mobile freedom.
Freedom. Period.

I am satisfied in life.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
What is my problem?
Do I have a problem?

I am so thankful,
Yet I am still so….something…

If I died tomorrow
Would I die happy, satisfied, fulfilled?
Complete?

Yes. No.

Outside of myself is where I need to go.
I’ve known that forever.
But where?

That’s the question that keeps me awake at night.

And why should
Where matter?
Isn’t it -
shouldn’t it be -
Why? that matters?

So, I donated.
A step in the right direction, yes?

Yet
It’s not enough.

Seemingly
I am not justified.
Or I am justified?

I am in need of
Definition.

Does my geographical location solve that?
The question of the day -
with a four day weekend ahead.
Hmmm.
Enlightenment ahead?

A girl has to hope.
And I do hope.
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fences

5/16/2015

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Saturday, 5.16.15
Fences: putting up or taking down?

An outsider appears.
He is called an outlander here.
An outsider.
I used to be one of them.

He feels he belongs somewhere else
but he wants to be here.

Here in a place

that I give to
that I taste from
that I want to let go of.

And I wonder if it was ever real
and/or is it


and/or
will it ever be?


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Me, in business

5/13/2015

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Picture
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I am officially in business, in competition with my boss, for as long as I'm here. It may seem unscrupulous, but we talked about it. On my front porch. Over beers.

And once I'm gone (assuming I ever get gone), I am ready to hit the ground running. Fast. As fast as I can. I've never been a runner, really. But I am SO ready.

Try and catch me.
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the harder I try

5/6/2015

1 Comment

 
5.6.15
The Harder I Try…

Within hours of getting laid off from my job, we got swamped at work. So – for now at least (subject to change without notice, how can I plan with that? [not that I can actually plan anything these days]) – I have a job.

And today, a job showed up in the paper for a legal assistant. A dream job (or maybe not, but how will I know unless I try?). Can I really apply, with a clear conscious, if I know I’m leaving? Do I ask my boss if I have a job next week? Does he know if I have a job next week?

Freelance stuff is overwhelming me (a good problem to have), but I don’t have all the necessary tools – not without investing money I don’t have. (Anyone have a PMS color swatch book they’re not using?)

Then, there’s people…

Scott:  Filled with jealousy (which I refuse to tolerate especially without justification and believe me there is no justification [around here] which is a BIG part of the point of my needing to leave) and his just not wanting to let go. (And there are other issues that he and I have discussed [sort of, occasionally] which I am not yet ready to disclose, that have do to with my levels of tolerance on certain subjects that I am yet trying to determine whether are pertinent/important {in the big scheme of Life}. Yet he still insists on helping me with my house, assisting my leave. How does he do that? And how do I say “No.”? And how do I reward him without taking advantage? I am practicing full disclosure, to no avail.

Ron: A guy with a chainsaw, and a possible [and complicated] house offer.

Mike:
My boss. Lots of issues, personal and professional.

Suzanne: My boss’ wife. Ditto, above. 

Eulis: My elderly grandpa neighbor, who is once again fixing my lawnmower (while the third degree burns on his hands heal) in exchange for a hug and a basket of muffins.

Jessica: OMG. I really can’t talk about her without perhaps violating the Privacy Act. Same with every other person who has stepped into my personal space [or entered into it without my express personal invitation, and there have been many], while I’ve been so freakin’ stifled in this place I call home.

Dozens of people: People I could help, if I wanted to stick it out for the long haul. Dozens of people who tell me every day how much I will be missed. A really nice ego-boost, but it’s kind of liking being at my own funeral. Yucky, that is.

I really need to leave. I really need to say good-bye. I really need to get it freakin’ over with.

Yet, every time the realtor calls, I get scared.

I’m sure I’m confusing that feeling with anticipation. Right?

P.S. It’s all in God’s hands. I put it there. And I’m really okay with that. It makes it all okay. I am focusing on the journey (while setting my sights on the ultimate destination.) But I will not live forever on this planet. I want. What I want. And I want it now.

Patience.

Yeah, right.

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May 02nd, 2015

5/2/2015

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play ball

5/2/2015

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5.2.15
Play Ball

I am
standing
waiting
out in left field.

My arm is raised
poised
waiting,
ready to catch.

The ball is in the air
high
high above me
so very high.

I run
I have no option
there is no choice
but there is
always
a choice.

I run to left field
the ball catches a breeze
and curves to the right side of the field
the wrong side of the field.

Yet
my arm is outstretched
ready to make the catch
yet
it’s the wrong arm

the wrong side
yet
it’s my arm

any side
either arm

and both arms

and it is
and they are
outstretched
to both sides
ready to make the catch

and then
the sun gets in my eyes.

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